Depression is a bitch

Depression is a bitch. It can make you feel completely miserable, worthless and question your existence. It can make you feel like you don't matter, your life doesn't matter, and that no one would miss you if you were gone. It can make you feel like sitting, or just opening your eyes is one of the hardest things to do. let alone getting yourself up to shower, eat something, or talking to someone. Someone invites you to do something, or even talks to you and you feel like they're only doing it because they feel obligated to, and there's nothing they can say or do that makes you believe that they just want to spend time with you. You just go day by day, going through the motions, knowing eventually you can crawl back in bed, fall back asleep, and make it so you don't feel anything. No pain, no sorrow, no solitude. Knowing that sleep can and will numb it all, giving you a couple hours of glorious numbness. 

But then there's days where you feel great. The days where you sit back and think to yourself "I'm actually happy right now!" and it's not a happiness that everyone sees, you're not nonstop smiles, or acting any different than how people know you. But you stop, you have time alone, alone with your thoughts, and you're not wanting to cry, you're not wanting to go to bed. You reflect on your life and realize there are amazing people in your life. And they really do want you around. You feel good about yourself. There's something about you that perks you up. And it's about you! not something that somebody does for you, or says to you, Theres just something.

Typically, I'm in a depression through these months, the early sunsets, cold weather. it's not uncommon in the slightest. But today, I was thinking about it. and while there's plenty I can complain about, right now I'm having a hard time finding anything. I have some fantastic people in my life, who are there for me, who want me around. My 27th birthday is coming up, and I get to spend it in Vegas with my best friend. and when I come back, two weeks later, I have a party friends are willing to host for me. and friends who are coming and excited. and a friend who is going above and beyond to make it amazing, even if the stuff doesn't seem like a big deal to anyone else. I have things I'm excited for. Yes, this party is also a test for someone. but with how little they've been in my life recently, if they don't show up, it don't be a huge deal. So right now, I'm in a good place and I'm happy.