It's 4:30 in the morning....you'd think I'd be sleeping...nope! and its not for lack of trying...its for way to many things running through my mind. Wednesday marks the anniversary of the hardest day of my life, the day we had to put my Heidi-kitty down. I know she was only a cat but she was mine. Even with how hard I may try to hide it....I still am having a really hard time with it. A week doesn't go by that I don't think about her, miss her and cry. We have another cat now, but a)hes my brother's cat and b) he is NOTHING like Heidi...except that he's a cat. as I like to say, it's like Heidi was Einstein and he's the village idiot. It's not that he's a bad cat, at all, but he is an idiot. A week from Wednesday, I leave for Nebraska, I CANNOT wait! I love going out there and seeing my family, spending time on the ranch, riding the horses, and did I mention seeing my family? It is a true paradise to me. Most people, including members of my own family (even the ones that live out there) think I am insane, but I have always been a country girl at heart, and if I could get over the fear of anything that flies and buzzes, spiders and ticks (they just look creepy!) I'd be beyond wonderful out there.
Last time I went to Nebraska, just me, was right after graduation. I remember the night before flying home crying because I didn't want to come home. I had to talk myself into coming home (granted the ticket was already purchased but I had to try to get myself excited). I remember my list was my car (because if I stayed there there was no way I was bringing my car....I have no idea...lol), my bed (my waterbed...I knew it would be way to much of a pain to move that thing 2000 miles....it was bad enough moving it 10 blocks), my cat (as stated, she was my baby), my job (easy enough to understand) and my niece (she was the only one at the time, and she was my world). Oh, and my hairdresser (she is the best ever, simple enough). I leave in 9 days, and I'm already creating this list....and so far...it's a lot shorter. Starting with my previous list....I know my car can come with me...although with 317,000 miles on it, I don't know if it would make it, my bed died a few years ago....so now I have a regular bed, I've already talked about my cat, I currently have no job, I haven't seen my hair dresser in almost 2 years...and while I do love her it's not worth it. That just leaves my niece...although now (in the last 5 years) it's gone from 1-9.5, 10 will be here in November. And they all mean the world to me, honestly some more than others. They are the main things making me want to come back here. Because just like back then, I can't imagine my life without her, or them. I also have my family here, which I do love, but I feel like more of a burden than anything else. I pay no bills really, I dont really help with anything, and it's not for lack of wanting, it's for lack of funds, and I know there are other ways for me to help, and I do what I can, but it's not much. and I think of my friends...which I have to question how many friends I actually have. Like that make me want to stay...and I can only think of 2 really. I have been out of work for just over a week, which I know isn't very long...but I have 5 main friends, and 2 know about it. granted one I haven't talked to lately, so I'm fine with that. I've talked to two of them, quite a bit...but they have no idea. One I keep trying to make plans with and she just bails every time, saying she has to much shit going on. which I call BS on. and the other...we just havent. I know that it sounds like I expect every and all conversation to be about me, and of course I don't. I know other people have stuff going on with their lives, but it seems like the script is flipped...it's all about them. And I try to be understanding, the first time a friend bailed on me...fine, I get sometimes life gets hard. but they picked the date, the time never changes (and it's not like it's the middle of the day...actually it's in the middle of the night) so I feel bailed on. She talks about me being one of her best friends, yet when I try for us to get together, nothing...so you tell me.
I don't know...I know I will come home, but I really really don't want to, I had a friend tell me that if I did actually move out there, it wouldn't be the paradise/getaway that it is to me. I know this is probably true but I also think I would just be so much happier out there, basically starting my life over, but still with people I know. I mean I love Washington, I love the state, the beauty of it, the total lack of tornados ;), and my life out here, when it's going good. and I know most of this is just the depression talking, and that eventually it will get better. But I don't want to wait. it seems like everything has kinda hit me all at once. I had no idea about the job, I assumed I would be there through summer then be done. I didn't expect friends to bail on me....well one of them. The 2 "real" friends I mentioned earlier (and I put real in quotes not as sarcasm but just to clarify) both know about the job thing, and have been trying to help me out, one of them has me working for her this summer, and while it's not much money, every little bit helps. and the other is the reason I'm going to Nebraska, she is also trying to be able to pay me enough money that I can live off of and I can just watch her girls. and she has given me food (and I mean like bread, cheese, eggs, cereal, peanut butter, actually good stuff, not "oh I bought this and I don't like it...here you take it"), and helps me any way she can. And I know I have to come back because I'm not going to bail on either of them, and I don't want to either. But neither of them make me feel like I'm, not even on the back burner, like I've fallen behind the stove. The friend I mentioned that I haven't talked to lately, honestly, the main reason for that is we always hang out at their house (to which I have NO problem) but they always just tell me to come on over, which I hate doing or just call and make sure they're home first before showing up...which I also hate doing.....so if I got over that, I would probably see them at least once a month...if not more. One I've mention earlier. and the 5th, I really just don't want to be around her, I don't mind texting her, but I really really don't like being with her, because it always ends with me being severely pissed off. And I'm pissed off enough without a friend helping me along.
No comments:
Post a Comment