It's 4:30 in the morning....you'd think I'd be sleeping...nope! and its not for lack of trying...its for way to many things running through my mind. Wednesday marks the anniversary of the hardest day of my life, the day we had to put my Heidi-kitty down. I know she was only a cat but she was mine. Even with how hard I may try to hide it....I still am having a really hard time with it. A week doesn't go by that I don't think about her, miss her and cry. We have another cat now, but a)hes my brother's cat and b) he is NOTHING like Heidi...except that he's a cat. as I like to say, it's like Heidi was Einstein and he's the village idiot. It's not that he's a bad cat, at all, but he is an idiot. A week from Wednesday, I leave for Nebraska, I CANNOT wait! I love going out there and seeing my family, spending time on the ranch, riding the horses, and did I mention seeing my family? It is a true paradise to me. Most people, including members of my own family (even the ones that live out there) think I am insane, but I have always been a country girl at heart, and if I could get over the fear of anything that flies and buzzes, spiders and ticks (they just look creepy!) I'd be beyond wonderful out there.
Last time I went to Nebraska, just me, was right after graduation. I remember the night before flying home crying because I didn't want to come home. I had to talk myself into coming home (granted the ticket was already purchased but I had to try to get myself excited). I remember my list was my car (because if I stayed there there was no way I was bringing my car....I have no idea...lol), my bed (my waterbed...I knew it would be way to much of a pain to move that thing 2000 miles....it was bad enough moving it 10 blocks), my cat (as stated, she was my baby), my job (easy enough to understand) and my niece (she was the only one at the time, and she was my world). Oh, and my hairdresser (she is the best ever, simple enough). I leave in 9 days, and I'm already creating this list....and so far...it's a lot shorter. Starting with my previous list....I know my car can come with me...although with 317,000 miles on it, I don't know if it would make it, my bed died a few years ago....so now I have a regular bed, I've already talked about my cat, I currently have no job, I haven't seen my hair dresser in almost 2 years...and while I do love her it's not worth it. That just leaves my niece...although now (in the last 5 years) it's gone from 1-9.5, 10 will be here in November. And they all mean the world to me, honestly some more than others. They are the main things making me want to come back here. Because just like back then, I can't imagine my life without her, or them. I also have my family here, which I do love, but I feel like more of a burden than anything else. I pay no bills really, I dont really help with anything, and it's not for lack of wanting, it's for lack of funds, and I know there are other ways for me to help, and I do what I can, but it's not much. and I think of my friends...which I have to question how many friends I actually have. Like that make me want to stay...and I can only think of 2 really. I have been out of work for just over a week, which I know isn't very long...but I have 5 main friends, and 2 know about it. granted one I haven't talked to lately, so I'm fine with that. I've talked to two of them, quite a bit...but they have no idea. One I keep trying to make plans with and she just bails every time, saying she has to much shit going on. which I call BS on. and the other...we just havent. I know that it sounds like I expect every and all conversation to be about me, and of course I don't. I know other people have stuff going on with their lives, but it seems like the script is flipped...it's all about them. And I try to be understanding, the first time a friend bailed on me...fine, I get sometimes life gets hard. but they picked the date, the time never changes (and it's not like it's the middle of the day...actually it's in the middle of the night) so I feel bailed on. She talks about me being one of her best friends, yet when I try for us to get together, nothing...so you tell me.
I don't know...I know I will come home, but I really really don't want to, I had a friend tell me that if I did actually move out there, it wouldn't be the paradise/getaway that it is to me. I know this is probably true but I also think I would just be so much happier out there, basically starting my life over, but still with people I know. I mean I love Washington, I love the state, the beauty of it, the total lack of tornados ;), and my life out here, when it's going good. and I know most of this is just the depression talking, and that eventually it will get better. But I don't want to wait. it seems like everything has kinda hit me all at once. I had no idea about the job, I assumed I would be there through summer then be done. I didn't expect friends to bail on me....well one of them. The 2 "real" friends I mentioned earlier (and I put real in quotes not as sarcasm but just to clarify) both know about the job thing, and have been trying to help me out, one of them has me working for her this summer, and while it's not much money, every little bit helps. and the other is the reason I'm going to Nebraska, she is also trying to be able to pay me enough money that I can live off of and I can just watch her girls. and she has given me food (and I mean like bread, cheese, eggs, cereal, peanut butter, actually good stuff, not "oh I bought this and I don't like it...here you take it"), and helps me any way she can. And I know I have to come back because I'm not going to bail on either of them, and I don't want to either. But neither of them make me feel like I'm, not even on the back burner, like I've fallen behind the stove. The friend I mentioned that I haven't talked to lately, honestly, the main reason for that is we always hang out at their house (to which I have NO problem) but they always just tell me to come on over, which I hate doing or just call and make sure they're home first before showing up...which I also hate doing.....so if I got over that, I would probably see them at least once a month...if not more. One I've mention earlier. and the 5th, I really just don't want to be around her, I don't mind texting her, but I really really don't like being with her, because it always ends with me being severely pissed off. And I'm pissed off enough without a friend helping me along.
Monday, July 9, 2012
Thursday, March 8, 2012
Hmm...
So, this week I turned 23. two of my best friends forgot my birthday (A and S)...does this make them bad friends? No, not at all...but it does make them not the greatest. Then I started to realize that compared to my friend (B), who I have known the longest (the last 15 years) and the very first to wish me a happy birthday on my birthday, they are the best people in the world. The last 4 times I have tried to hang out with that friend...she's turned me down. One time would have been $8 + drinks, another $6 even, another would only cost her the gas to get my house and the last one was only time, I covered the prices, I planned on driving, all she had to do was give me her time...and every time she turned me down. However, today takes the cake, she told me 2 hours before it started that she couldn't go...so not even really time to find someone else to join me.
Being rather pissed about it, I was talking to A....she instantly said if she wasnt busy she woulda came, which I responded with if I had known B was going to bail a little sooner, I would have asked her, and really planned on it.
Which got me thinking...as I mentioned above, I've known B for 15 years. I've known A for about 5 years, but have really only been friends for the last 3ish. B has been through a lot of things with me, the divorce of my parents, death of family members...etc. When we had to put my cat down this past summer, who I had before meeting B, so she was also 15 years old. B was never there for me. A on the other hand, talked to me about it, got me out of the house, which was something I desperately needed at the time. One of the events I mentioned above, the $8+drinks, B said she couldn't go because money was an issue....A told me she would try to stop by, even though she had spent all day driving and was sick...OH and without me even having to ask if she would come, and even though she didn't make it, the fact that she offered was more important. This weekend, we are doing my birthday celebration ($6) again, asked B if she wanted to go, and once again no. A on the other hand, helped me plan the day and we're going to be hanging out watching movies before hand. Do we have to? Nope, not at all, but it is a very nice gesture.
I am seriously thinking about cutting B from my life, we are at very different points, I work, she doesn't, I'm sober (except for the occasional night of drinking), shes almost always high. I do everything I can to not mooch of my family and she has no problems with it. I learned a few years ago that I can actually remove people from my life, and have done it one before, but now I'm thinking it's time to do it again. But at the same time I don't because she gets a lot of stuff I talk about...or she just answers with the quickest thing she can..So I really don't know what to do. But her cake is completed, the frosting is on, and candles are in...just waiting to be lit...and once they are, I don't think I will be able to look back at what our friendship actually used to be. Instead just let us each get on with our own lives...we've done it before...and it can very easily can, and might, happen again. And if you're really confused about the cake thing...."The icing on the cake" I prefer the flame on the candle...because I feel like it gives it more layers :)
Being rather pissed about it, I was talking to A....she instantly said if she wasnt busy she woulda came, which I responded with if I had known B was going to bail a little sooner, I would have asked her, and really planned on it.
Which got me thinking...as I mentioned above, I've known B for 15 years. I've known A for about 5 years, but have really only been friends for the last 3ish. B has been through a lot of things with me, the divorce of my parents, death of family members...etc. When we had to put my cat down this past summer, who I had before meeting B, so she was also 15 years old. B was never there for me. A on the other hand, talked to me about it, got me out of the house, which was something I desperately needed at the time. One of the events I mentioned above, the $8+drinks, B said she couldn't go because money was an issue....A told me she would try to stop by, even though she had spent all day driving and was sick...OH and without me even having to ask if she would come, and even though she didn't make it, the fact that she offered was more important. This weekend, we are doing my birthday celebration ($6) again, asked B if she wanted to go, and once again no. A on the other hand, helped me plan the day and we're going to be hanging out watching movies before hand. Do we have to? Nope, not at all, but it is a very nice gesture.
I am seriously thinking about cutting B from my life, we are at very different points, I work, she doesn't, I'm sober (except for the occasional night of drinking), shes almost always high. I do everything I can to not mooch of my family and she has no problems with it. I learned a few years ago that I can actually remove people from my life, and have done it one before, but now I'm thinking it's time to do it again. But at the same time I don't because she gets a lot of stuff I talk about...or she just answers with the quickest thing she can..So I really don't know what to do. But her cake is completed, the frosting is on, and candles are in...just waiting to be lit...and once they are, I don't think I will be able to look back at what our friendship actually used to be. Instead just let us each get on with our own lives...we've done it before...and it can very easily can, and might, happen again. And if you're really confused about the cake thing...."The icing on the cake" I prefer the flame on the candle...because I feel like it gives it more layers :)
Wednesday, January 4, 2012
Second-hand Hell
So it's the first week of 2012 and it supposed to be a great week...at least to most people I know...a week of change, new beginnings...blah blah blah...
New Years Eve wasn't bad, we celebrated my brothers birthday like we always do, my step dad made us watch Superfly which is a drug movie from the early 70's....which was terrible but a horrible movie is holiday tradition for us, then watched Zookeeper. We got attacked by fireworks (another tradition for us) and that was it. New Years Day I went to Goodwill, which I have come to learn that it is a great source of discontinued edition games, I have now found Simpsons Life, Pirates of the Caribbean Monopoly and Simpsons Clue. :) The next day, Monday, I had off from work and ended up with an interview with a family for a nanny job...which I have been iffy about but they told me they would have an answer by the end of the week..and considering tomorrow is Thursday and they have yet to call a single reference....I have my doubts, but since I've been iffy I'm not too worried about that, although the money would have been really nice.
Monday night/Tuesday morning, I was just getting ready to go to bed and saw that one of my best friends had posted something on Facebook that you know means something is wrong. and at 2 AM is an even bigger sign its bad. Turns out my 11 month old nephew was in the hospital because he was having difficulty breathing, and was there until today. And he is doing much better. He was begging to get out of the carseat the second he got in the house and wouldnt stay still for a second, he was crawling all over the place, You could tell he was happy to be home, and it was rather adorable.
So while I was helping my friend with my nephew and her other 3 children, I got a phone call from another best friend, saying that her husbands ex is trying to revoke all rights to their son. 5 years ago, He was able to see his son once a week, for 2 hours and all visits were supervised. In the past year they have been able to keep him every other weekend, from friday afternoon to sunday, and every wednesday from after school until 7ish. They were also able make agreements, ex: because of a late-r birthday party, where they wouldnt be able to have him home by 7, she did allow them to keep him over night and take him to school in the morning.
It seems my friends and their families have had to go through hell this week. It effects me, of course, but not nearly as bad as it does them. Think of second-hand smoke. The person getting full blast of illness is the smoker, while others around may get sick but only a fraction of the severity of the smoker. That's how it feels to me. My friends are getting full blast of this hell. and I am getting only a fraction of it. It is really making me worry about what could happen next.
New Years Eve wasn't bad, we celebrated my brothers birthday like we always do, my step dad made us watch Superfly which is a drug movie from the early 70's....which was terrible but a horrible movie is holiday tradition for us, then watched Zookeeper. We got attacked by fireworks (another tradition for us) and that was it. New Years Day I went to Goodwill, which I have come to learn that it is a great source of discontinued edition games, I have now found Simpsons Life, Pirates of the Caribbean Monopoly and Simpsons Clue. :) The next day, Monday, I had off from work and ended up with an interview with a family for a nanny job...which I have been iffy about but they told me they would have an answer by the end of the week..and considering tomorrow is Thursday and they have yet to call a single reference....I have my doubts, but since I've been iffy I'm not too worried about that, although the money would have been really nice.
Monday night/Tuesday morning, I was just getting ready to go to bed and saw that one of my best friends had posted something on Facebook that you know means something is wrong. and at 2 AM is an even bigger sign its bad. Turns out my 11 month old nephew was in the hospital because he was having difficulty breathing, and was there until today. And he is doing much better. He was begging to get out of the carseat the second he got in the house and wouldnt stay still for a second, he was crawling all over the place, You could tell he was happy to be home, and it was rather adorable.
So while I was helping my friend with my nephew and her other 3 children, I got a phone call from another best friend, saying that her husbands ex is trying to revoke all rights to their son. 5 years ago, He was able to see his son once a week, for 2 hours and all visits were supervised. In the past year they have been able to keep him every other weekend, from friday afternoon to sunday, and every wednesday from after school until 7ish. They were also able make agreements, ex: because of a late-r birthday party, where they wouldnt be able to have him home by 7, she did allow them to keep him over night and take him to school in the morning.
It seems my friends and their families have had to go through hell this week. It effects me, of course, but not nearly as bad as it does them. Think of second-hand smoke. The person getting full blast of illness is the smoker, while others around may get sick but only a fraction of the severity of the smoker. That's how it feels to me. My friends are getting full blast of this hell. and I am getting only a fraction of it. It is really making me worry about what could happen next.
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