Depression is a bitch

Depression is a bitch. It can make you feel completely miserable, worthless and question your existence. It can make you feel like you don't matter, your life doesn't matter, and that no one would miss you if you were gone. It can make you feel like sitting, or just opening your eyes is one of the hardest things to do. let alone getting yourself up to shower, eat something, or talking to someone. Someone invites you to do something, or even talks to you and you feel like they're only doing it because they feel obligated to, and there's nothing they can say or do that makes you believe that they just want to spend time with you. You just go day by day, going through the motions, knowing eventually you can crawl back in bed, fall back asleep, and make it so you don't feel anything. No pain, no sorrow, no solitude. Knowing that sleep can and will numb it all, giving you a couple hours of glorious numbness. 

But then there's days where you feel great. The days where you sit back and think to yourself "I'm actually happy right now!" and it's not a happiness that everyone sees, you're not nonstop smiles, or acting any different than how people know you. But you stop, you have time alone, alone with your thoughts, and you're not wanting to cry, you're not wanting to go to bed. You reflect on your life and realize there are amazing people in your life. And they really do want you around. You feel good about yourself. There's something about you that perks you up. And it's about you! not something that somebody does for you, or says to you, Theres just something.

Typically, I'm in a depression through these months, the early sunsets, cold weather. it's not uncommon in the slightest. But today, I was thinking about it. and while there's plenty I can complain about, right now I'm having a hard time finding anything. I have some fantastic people in my life, who are there for me, who want me around. My 27th birthday is coming up, and I get to spend it in Vegas with my best friend. and when I come back, two weeks later, I have a party friends are willing to host for me. and friends who are coming and excited. and a friend who is going above and beyond to make it amazing, even if the stuff doesn't seem like a big deal to anyone else. I have things I'm excited for. Yes, this party is also a test for someone. but with how little they've been in my life recently, if they don't show up, it don't be a huge deal. So right now, I'm in a good place and I'm happy.   

I know I have to, but I really don't want to

It's 4:30 in the morning....you'd think I'd be sleeping...nope! and its not for lack of trying...its for way to many things running through my mind. Wednesday marks the anniversary of the hardest day of my life, the day we had to put my Heidi-kitty down. I know she was only a cat but she was mine. Even with how hard I may try to hide it....I still am having a really hard time with it. A week doesn't go by that I don't think about her, miss her and cry. We have another cat now, but a)hes my brother's cat and b) he is NOTHING like Heidi...except that he's a cat. as I like to say, it's like Heidi was Einstein and he's the village idiot. It's not that he's a bad cat, at all, but he is an idiot. A week from Wednesday, I leave for Nebraska, I CANNOT wait! I love going out there and seeing my family, spending time on the ranch, riding the horses, and did I mention seeing my family? It is a true paradise to me. Most people, including members of my own family (even the ones that live out there) think I am insane, but I have always been a country girl at heart, and if I could get over the fear of anything that flies and buzzes, spiders and ticks (they just look creepy!) I'd be beyond wonderful out there.

Last time I went to Nebraska, just me, was right after graduation. I remember the night before flying home crying because I didn't want to come home. I had to talk myself into coming home (granted the ticket was already purchased but I had to try to get myself excited). I remember my list was my car (because if I stayed there there was no way I was bringing my car....I have no idea...lol), my bed (my waterbed...I knew it would be way to much of a pain to move that thing 2000 miles....it was bad enough moving it 10 blocks), my cat (as stated, she was my baby), my job (easy enough to understand) and my niece (she was the only one at the time, and she was my world). Oh, and my hairdresser (she is the best ever, simple enough). I leave in 9 days, and I'm already creating this list....and so far...it's a lot shorter. Starting with my previous list....I know my car can come with me...although with 317,000 miles on it, I don't know if it would make it, my bed died a few years ago....so now I have a regular bed, I've already talked about my cat, I currently have no job, I haven't seen my hair dresser in almost 2 years...and while I do love her it's not worth it. That just leaves my niece...although now (in the last 5 years) it's gone from 1-9.5, 10 will be here in November. And they all mean the world to me, honestly some more than others. They are the main things making me want to come back here. Because just like back then, I can't imagine my life without her, or them. I also have my family here, which I do love, but I feel like more of a burden than anything else. I pay no bills really, I dont really help with anything, and it's not for lack of wanting, it's for lack of funds, and I know there are other ways for me to help, and I do what I can, but it's not much. and I think of my friends...which I have to question how many friends I actually have. Like that make me want to stay...and I can only think of 2 really. I have been out of work for just over a week, which I know isn't very long...but I have 5 main friends, and 2 know about it. granted one I haven't talked to lately, so I'm fine with that. I've talked to two of them, quite a bit...but they have no idea. One I keep trying to make plans with and she just bails every time, saying she has to much shit going on. which I call BS on. and the other...we just havent. I know that it sounds like I expect every and all conversation to be about me, and of course I don't. I know other people have stuff going on with their lives, but it seems like the script is flipped...it's all about them. And I try to be understanding, the first time a friend bailed on me...fine, I get sometimes life gets hard. but they picked the date, the time never changes (and it's not like it's the middle of the day...actually it's in the middle of the night) so I feel bailed on. She talks about me being one of her best friends, yet when I try for us to get together, nothing...so you tell me.

I don't know...I know I will come home, but I really really don't want to, I had a friend tell me that if I did actually move out there, it wouldn't be the paradise/getaway that it is to me. I know this is probably true but I also think I would just be so much happier out there, basically starting my life over, but still with people I know. I mean I love Washington, I love the state, the beauty of it, the total lack of tornados ;), and my life out here, when it's going good. and I know most of this is just the depression talking, and that eventually it will get better. But I don't want to wait. it seems like everything has kinda hit me all at once. I had no idea about the job, I assumed I would be there through summer then be done. I didn't expect friends to bail on me....well one of them. The 2 "real" friends I mentioned earlier (and I put real in quotes not as sarcasm but just to clarify) both know about the job thing, and have been trying to help me out, one of them has me working for her this summer, and while it's not much money, every little bit helps. and the other is the reason I'm going to Nebraska, she is also trying to be able to pay me enough money that I can live off of and I can just watch her girls. and she has given me food (and I mean like bread, cheese, eggs, cereal, peanut butter, actually good stuff, not "oh I bought this and I don't like it...here you take it"), and helps me any way she can. And I know I have to come back because I'm not going to bail on either of them, and I don't want to either. But neither of them make me feel like I'm, not even on the back burner, like I've fallen behind the stove. The friend I mentioned that I haven't talked to lately, honestly, the main reason for that is we always hang out at their house (to which I have NO problem) but they always just tell me to come on over, which I hate doing or just call and make sure they're home first before showing up...which I also hate doing.....so if I got over that, I would probably see them at least once a month...if not more. One I've mention earlier. and the 5th, I really just don't want to be around her, I don't mind texting her, but I really really don't like being with her, because it always ends with me being severely pissed off. And I'm pissed off enough without a friend helping me along.

Hmm...

So, this week I turned 23. two of my best friends forgot my birthday (A and S)...does this make them bad friends? No, not at all...but it does make them not the greatest. Then I started to realize that compared to my friend (B), who I have known the longest (the last 15 years) and the very first to wish me a happy birthday on my birthday, they are the best people in the world. The last 4 times I have tried to hang out with that friend...she's turned me down. One time would have been $8 + drinks, another $6 even, another would only cost her the gas to get my house and the last one was only time, I covered the prices, I planned on driving, all she had to do was give me her time...and every time she turned me down. However, today takes the cake, she told me 2 hours before it started that she couldn't go...so not even really time to find someone else to join me.

Being rather pissed about it, I was talking to A....she instantly said if she wasnt busy she woulda came, which I responded with if I had known B was going to bail a little sooner, I would have asked her, and really planned on it.

Which got me thinking...as I mentioned above, I've known B for 15 years. I've known A for about 5 years, but have really only been friends for the last 3ish. B has been through a lot of things with me, the divorce of my parents, death of family members...etc. When we had to put my cat down this past summer, who I had before meeting B, so she was also 15 years old. B was never there for me. A on the other hand, talked to me about it, got me out of the house, which was something I desperately needed at the time. One of the events I mentioned above, the $8+drinks, B said she couldn't go because money was an issue....A told me she would try to stop by, even though she had spent all day driving and was sick...OH and without me even having to ask if she would come, and even though she didn't make it, the fact that she offered was more important. This weekend, we are doing my birthday celebration ($6) again, asked B if she wanted to go, and once again no. A on the other hand, helped me plan the day and we're going to be hanging out watching movies before hand. Do we have to? Nope, not at all, but it is a very nice gesture.

I am seriously thinking about cutting B from my life, we are at very different points, I work, she doesn't, I'm sober (except for the occasional night of drinking), shes almost always high. I do everything I can to not mooch of my family and she has no problems with it. I learned a few years ago that I can actually remove people from my life, and have done it one before, but now I'm thinking it's time to do it again. But at the same time I don't because she gets a lot of stuff I talk about...or she just answers with the quickest thing she can..So I really don't know what to do. But her cake is completed, the frosting is on, and candles are in...just waiting to be lit...and once they are, I don't think I will be able to look back at what our friendship actually used to be. Instead just let us each get on with our own lives...we've done it before...and it can very easily can, and might, happen again. And if you're really confused about the cake thing...."The icing on the cake" I prefer the flame on the candle...because I feel like it gives it more layers :)

Second-hand Hell

So it's the first week of 2012 and it supposed to be a great week...at least to most people I know...a week of change, new beginnings...blah blah blah...

New Years Eve wasn't bad, we celebrated my brothers birthday like we always do, my step dad made us watch Superfly which is a drug movie from the early 70's....which was terrible but a horrible movie is holiday tradition for us, then watched Zookeeper. We got attacked by fireworks (another tradition for us) and that was it. New Years Day I went to Goodwill, which I have come to learn that it is a great source of discontinued edition games, I have now found Simpsons Life, Pirates of the Caribbean Monopoly and Simpsons Clue. :) The next day, Monday, I had off from work and ended up with an interview with a family for a nanny job...which I have been iffy about but they told me they would have an answer by the end of the week..and considering tomorrow is Thursday and they have yet to call a single reference....I have my doubts, but since I've been iffy I'm not too worried about that, although the money would have been really nice.

Monday night/Tuesday morning, I was just getting ready to go to bed and saw that one of my best friends had posted something on Facebook that you know means something is wrong. and at 2 AM is an even bigger sign its bad. Turns out my 11 month old nephew was in the hospital because he was having difficulty breathing, and was there until today. And he is doing much better. He was begging to get out of the carseat the second he got in the house and wouldnt stay still for a second, he was crawling all over the place, You could tell he was happy to be home, and it was rather adorable.

So while I was helping my friend with my nephew and her other 3 children, I got a phone call from another best friend, saying that her husbands ex is trying to revoke all rights to their son. 5 years ago, He was able to see his son once a week, for 2 hours and all visits were supervised. In the past year they have been able to keep him every other weekend, from friday afternoon to sunday, and every wednesday from after school until 7ish. They were also able make agreements, ex: because of a late-r birthday party, where they wouldnt be able to have him home by 7, she did allow them to keep him over night and take him to school in the morning.

It seems my friends and their families have had to go through hell this week. It effects me, of course, but not nearly as bad as it does them. Think of second-hand smoke. The person getting full blast of illness is the smoker, while others around may get sick but only a fraction of the severity of the smoker. That's how it feels to me. My friends are getting full blast of this hell. and I am getting only a fraction of it. It is really making me worry about what could happen next.

Ahh Life!

Is my life perfect? HA Far from! But right now I can't complain much! I'm working again, and was even able to get caught up on all bills from the summer, in only two weeks! The choices I made at the beginning of summer to get some people out of my life has been good. and I've gotten a better idea of who I can really count on. Although one person is back and working out fine, and I will actually be working for her, watching her daughters 3 days a week while she is in school for 10 weeks. and I will be using this money from her for plane tickets to Nebraska!

I am probably like 1/5 who would be excited about going there. But I cannot wait! Some family, including my step-dad, my mom, her sister, and my cousin are going to be heading to vegas next month. As much as I would LOVE to go back, I a)dont have the funds $500 just for air and hotel, so that wouldnt even include spending money! and b) it would only be two members of my family. So I came up with a better idea, I can go back to Nebraska for Christmas and I can see most of my family members and I haven't had a Christmas out there in almost 9 years I think. Plus I have been looking at the price of tickets and its under $400 and still dropping! So right now, that is the main thing I'm excited about!

Beyond that, we got a new kitten, named cosmos who seems to be dumber than a box of rocks, but he is rather entertaining when hyped up. He is definitely no Heidi! but then again, no cat will ever come close.

Letting the artistic side out

So, I recently created a logo for my friend's small business, using Photoshop. After working on that I realized how much I've missed photoshop! I started working with photoshop during Junior year of High School, when I was in yearbook (I needed a break from working on pages all the time) and actually did pretty well with those, Nothing too big, usually just changing the background a little, adding some detail. I didn't make like stuff coming out of peoples eyes or anything though, I'm not that skilled...YET!

So tonight, I got bored and started looking at pictures, I thought about making my own picture, which I've done once or twice....I attempted to make a persona for Firefox...yeah I gave up on that quickly....Then I started looking through pictures on the computer and found a couple of my niece, very simple stuff tweeking the photo, changing the hues, making it black and white, adding some text, but I love how they turned out! It felt so good to let some of the creativity out. It really made me wish that I had more pictures to mess with...I found a quote I would I love to put on a pic, but getting the picture is another thing...I'm gonna have to work on that now. Even just going to the waterfront or Mt. Rainier and getting some pretty shots would be perfect...but for now...below is my current photoshop portfolio :)

 I believe this was my very first photoshop, I couldnt figuring out how to change the wings. and my Heidi-Kitty (R.I.P.)

 This started as a picture taken out in the school hallway. One of my options for my yearbook editor picture

 This is the exact same picture, just with a different background.

 Fireworks!

 I needed a good evil picture

 This is my niece when she was about 18 months I think. This is when I learned not to just give a baby yogurt. the top says "Nothing comes between a baby and her yogurt" and is still my favorite picture of her!

 I think this one kinda speaks for its self...I needed another dark one

 This is my another niece at about 3 weeks. She was a little christmas angel

 In a star!

 In a star again! but this time its red!

 This is my niece again (the one from the yogurt picture) these are the ones I did tonight.

Time to make some changes

This week, I had to say good bye to my kitty of 15 years. It was probably the hardest and most emotional time of my life so far.

This week, and a little of the week before, I realized the people I have for friends. And I realized a couple of my friends suck as friends. It could just be me being over emotional, it's totally a possibility.

One "friend" I have known forever, you'd think she would be there for me, even in the slightest....nope, I got a "damn I'm sorry" text and that was it....The week before we were making plans to go to the movies....getting pretty much everything planned out and then she told me she couldn't because she was having a "pot party"...as in everyone is getting high. I have never touched weed, never had the desire to smoke or anything. and lately all she does is smoke....as i stated before I might just be over emotional or something....but its pretty sad when someone you've been best friends with since elementary school puts you on the back burner to weed. Every conversation we have at least 10 times the phrase "I was so high...." comes out. I am getting sick of it! So back to the movie thing...tickets would have been taken care of it would have cost her $5 for gas (and anything else she wanted to buy, candy and what-not), then I find out today she went to the movies anyways...now how am I supposed to take that? Because I'm kinda insulted.

Another "friend" I found out has lied to me about almost everything going on in her life. Why she did something, stopped doing this, why that's there, I know its confusing...but we're supposed to be best friends, and she can't be honest with me, and I have to find all this shit out from another friend. And it took this other friend for me to realize that I've just been used by her....no this isn't a brainwashing thing or whatever, she simply stated how it is between them and I happen to realize some similarities. Call me when you need a sitter, that's fine, you wouldn't be the only one to do that, but ONLY calling when you need a sitter, you fall into a different category there. I do have other friends who I would probably not even be friends with now if it weren't for the kids, but even after she comes home, and I'm "off the clock" we hang out, we joke around, I can even call her husband a friend now. I can't do that with the "friend's" husband.

So, I'm going to be making some changes, and kicking some people who I don't want or need in my life. and I'm going to replace them with people who I can talk to, I can hang out with, and I enjoy being around. I'm sad that I have to make these decisions....but I've had to before, I have to pick people who are good for my life (I know it sounds selfish, but I don't have anyone else I have to worry about right now, kids, boyfriend/husband, nothing like that). Now I look back at the people I kicked out before...and I'm happy, I hear about how shitty their life is right now and it makes me wonder if I would have been acting more like them, from hanging out with them so much...cause I started too. My life is mine....I don't want to have people in it who are going to bring me down, emotionally or mentally, it doesn't matter. I'm done with it.